this girl i hold

i feel thicker than a thousand suns over
a fortnight is faster
than the weightness below her

i am thickened
like choking on sand
i feel her
i feel me
i feel soles
soaked through land
a lullaby thicker than spit
i want to drown in it

it's the christmas bells
suffering me away like snow
i can only look back with love
and look centre with spittled sand
like smudged in a pepper corn eye type
i'm a blip in the flip of the lie type

i can never be joyous of the present
of the sturdy stone blunder of wonder i was
of the gold i wintered
of the pearl so candescent in the summer of me
of the bliss sang through the hope of me
the truly special of me
she deserves it
so why can't i
why can't i
please
be carried
in more than the silk of before